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Why we shouldn’t always try to stop our toddler’s tears.

A little girl stands with her hand to her bottom lip with a tear rolling down her cheek. A pink circle with text 'understanding tears of futility, why toddlers cry and why it's ok'

As a parent, it’s natural to want to soothe your toddler when they cry. We often feel compelled to stop the tears as quickly as possible, assuming that a calm child is a happy child. However, according to developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld, not all crying is something to be “fixed.” In fact, the concept of “tears of futility” sheds light on why letting your toddler cry can be an essential part of their emotional growth and development.

What Are Tears of Futility?

Dr. Gordon Neufeld introduced the idea of “tears of futility” to describe the emotional release that comes when a child realizes that a certain desire or need cannot be fulfilled. For toddlers, this often happens when they face limits or challenges that they cannot overcome—like not getting that extra treat, staying up past bedtime, or playing with a toy that’s unavailable.

These tears reflect a child’s internal process of acceptance. Instead of indicating distress or pain, they signal that the toddler is learning to cope with the disappointment, which is a critical emotional skill.

Why You Don’t Need to Stop the Tears

Here’s why it’s OK, and even important, not to always stop your child from crying:

1. Building Emotional Resilience

When toddlers experience tears of futility, they are working through their emotions and learning that not everything can go their way. By allowing them to cry, you give them space to build emotional resilience. They begin to understand that disappointment is a part of life, and they can survive it.

If you constantly stop their crying, they may not get the chance to fully process these feelings, leading to unresolved emotions or tantrums later.

2. Learning Limits and Boundaries

Toddlers thrive on structure, but they also need to learn that there are boundaries. Tears of futility often occur when they hit a limit—whether it’s bedtime, a rule, or simply a natural consequence. By letting them cry, you reinforce that these boundaries are non-negotiable and part of their world.

Trying to “fix” the crying by offering distractions or giving in to their demands can send mixed messages, leading to confusion and more emotional turmoil in the long run.

3. Promoting Emotional Health

It’s important to understand that crying is a healthy emotional release. Suppressing tears or trying to prevent your toddler from crying teaches them that their feelings are unacceptable or something to be avoided. Instead, by allowing the tears to flow, you validate their emotions. This sets the stage for healthy emotional expression as they grow older.

4. You Can Be Present Without Solving

The key here is presence. When your toddler is experiencing tears of futility, your role is not to stop the crying but to be there for them as they process their feelings. Hold space for them. Offer a comforting hug or soothing words, but don’t feel pressured to “fix” the situation.

By doing this, you teach them that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to be upset, while also reinforcing the understanding that some things cannot change. This balance of emotional support and limits is crucial in nurturing emotional intelligence.

How to Support Your Toddler Through Tears of Futility

If you find it difficult to watch your child cry, here are a few tips for managing those moments with grace and compassion:

  • Stay Calm: Your emotional state will influence how your toddler handles their own. If you remain calm and present, your toddler is more likely to feel safe expressing their emotions.
  • Acknowledge Their Feelings: Let your toddler know that you see and hear their distress. You might say, “I know you really wanted that toy. It’s hard when we can’t have what we want.” Validating their emotions helps them feel understood.
  • Resist the Urge to Distract: Offering distractions or giving in to demands to stop the tears might offer temporary relief but can prevent your child from fully processing their emotions.
  • Provide Comfort: Being emotionally available is crucial. Offer a hug or sit with them quietly. Sometimes, just knowing you’re there is all they need.
  • Know When It’s Time to Step In: There’s a difference between tears of futility and distress that needs your immediate attention. If your toddler’s crying escalates into distress that seems overwhelming, step in with extra comfort or support to help them calm down.
  • Embracing the Value of Tears. In modern culture, crying is often seen as something negative that must be stopped. However, Dr. Neufeld’s concept of tears of futility reminds us that crying is a natural, healthy part of emotional development.

By giving your toddler the space to cry when faced with limits, you’re helping them develop the tools to manage their emotions, navigate disappointment, and grow into emotionally resilient individuals. It’s not about being indifferent to their tears, but about recognizing when their tears serve a deeper purpose in their growth.

So, the next time your toddler faces a moment of frustration and the tears start to flow, take a deep breath. Remember that you don’t always need to “fix” the crying. Instead, offer love, support, and let the tears do their important work.

Like this and want to know more?

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Many parents are going through the same thing. With the right strategies and support, you can help your little one sleep more peacefully, and you’ll both wake up feeling more rested and ready for the day ahead.

If you’re looking for more support on how to handle toddler sleep challenges, check out the Taming Toddler Sleep Programme , my signature group sleep and parenting programme. I guarantee you’ll get better sleep or I’ll work with you for free until you do!

Together, we can create a sleep routine that works for your family, helping everyone get the rest they deserve.

The image showcases a comprehensive online course on "Taming Toddler Sleep". It features various components like: - Workbooks: Three workbooks are displayed, each focusing on a specific aspect of the program: "The Evening Flow" (Workbook 3), "The Brain & Temperament" (Workbook 2), and "Sleep Hygiene & Naps" (Workbook 1). - Course Content: A tablet screen shows the course outline, including modules on "Welcome and How the Programme works", "Toddler Sleep Fundamentals", "Toddler Development", and "Temperament". - Instructor: A woman is shown using a laptop, likely engaged in teaching the course. - Social Media Integration: A smartphone displays a screenshot of a Facebook post related to the course, highlighting the "Baby Massage & Baby Sleep Consultant" service offered by the program.

Where to next?

Click here to book a free chat with Jem to discuss sleep packages and ensure we are a good fit. There is no obligation and I will only take clients where I genuinely feel I can change their lives.

I have three simple toddler sleep support packages, Read more about them here.

Yes! You can check out my free sleep resources here.

Perfect, in my book The Better Sleep Blueprint I share all my best guides and strategies for sleep up to 2 years of age. Check it out here.

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