As a parent, it’s natural to want to soothe your toddler when they cry. We often feel compelled to stop the tears as quickly as possible, assuming that a calm child is a happy child. However, according to developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld, not all crying is something to be “fixed.” In fact, the concept of “tears of futility” sheds light on why letting your toddler cry can be an essential part of their emotional growth and development.
Dr. Gordon Neufeld introduced the idea of “tears of futility” to describe the emotional release that comes when a child realizes that a certain desire or need cannot be fulfilled. For toddlers, this often happens when they face limits or challenges that they cannot overcome—like not getting that extra treat, staying up past bedtime, or playing with a toy that’s unavailable.
These tears reflect a child’s internal process of acceptance. Instead of indicating distress or pain, they signal that the toddler is learning to cope with the disappointment, which is a critical emotional skill.
Here’s why it’s OK, and even important, not to always stop your child from crying:
When toddlers experience tears of futility, they are working through their emotions and learning that not everything can go their way. By allowing them to cry, you give them space to build emotional resilience. They begin to understand that disappointment is a part of life, and they can survive it.
If you constantly stop their crying, they may not get the chance to fully process these feelings, leading to unresolved emotions or tantrums later.
Toddlers thrive on structure, but they also need to learn that there are boundaries. Tears of futility often occur when they hit a limit—whether it’s bedtime, a rule, or simply a natural consequence. By letting them cry, you reinforce that these boundaries are non-negotiable and part of their world.
Trying to “fix” the crying by offering distractions or giving in to their demands can send mixed messages, leading to confusion and more emotional turmoil in the long run.
It’s important to understand that crying is a healthy emotional release. Suppressing tears or trying to prevent your toddler from crying teaches them that their feelings are unacceptable or something to be avoided. Instead, by allowing the tears to flow, you validate their emotions. This sets the stage for healthy emotional expression as they grow older.
The key here is presence. When your toddler is experiencing tears of futility, your role is not to stop the crying but to be there for them as they process their feelings. Hold space for them. Offer a comforting hug or soothing words, but don’t feel pressured to “fix” the situation.
By doing this, you teach them that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to be upset, while also reinforcing the understanding that some things cannot change. This balance of emotional support and limits is crucial in nurturing emotional intelligence.
If you find it difficult to watch your child cry, here are a few tips for managing those moments with grace and compassion:
By giving your toddler the space to cry when faced with limits, you’re helping them develop the tools to manage their emotions, navigate disappointment, and grow into emotionally resilient individuals. It’s not about being indifferent to their tears, but about recognizing when their tears serve a deeper purpose in their growth.
So, the next time your toddler faces a moment of frustration and the tears start to flow, take a deep breath. Remember that you don’t always need to “fix” the crying. Instead, offer love, support, and let the tears do their important work.
Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Many parents are going through the same thing. With the right strategies and support, you can help your little one sleep more peacefully, and you’ll both wake up feeling more rested and ready for the day ahead.
If you’re looking for more support on how to handle toddler sleep challenges, check out the Taming Toddler Sleep Programme , my signature group sleep and parenting programme. I guarantee you’ll get better sleep or I’ll work with you for free until you do!
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