The toothpaste on the carpet and its link to your future parent/teen relationship

I just spent around 3-4 hours a day for the last 2 weeks decorating the hall in our new house, it’s my dream hallway, spacious and bright with lovely woodwork and I have worked SO hard on it.

So imagine the feelings that came bubbling up when my son (6) dropped a huge blob of toothpaste on the 2 day old carpet

Did I…

A) Lose my proverbial

and shout at him, remind him how only the night before I had warned him to stay in the bathroom whilst brushing his teeth.

B) Force him to clean it up immediately, whilst reminding him what a stupid thing it was to do and take away his favourite toy/TV for a week.

C) Count to 100 and wait…. and do something different…

What happened next is an example of how peaceful parenting and building a secure attachment come together in real life, and how the way you deal with your child’s minor mistakes in the early years can shape how they feel about themselves and what their relationship is like with you for their whole lives.

So what happened?

The answer (of course) is C… I chose to Stop, Drop and Breathe (one of the best parenting tools I learned about in my training with the wonderful Dr Laura Markham).

I counted to 100 (10 wasn’t enough for me to calm down), and chose to choose moving forwards with love.

Of course, I could’ve shouted, of course, I could’ve punished him – after all how else will he learn not to do it again…?

But let’s look at this objectively… He didn’t do it on purpose, he wasn’t flailing around with a toothpaste tube like it was a hosepipe.

It was a genuine mistake, and I could see he felt bad. So what benefit would shouting have?

What would taking a toy from him or removing the TV for a week have ‘taught’ him? Neither has any natural link to the event.

Instead, we wiped it up as best we could and talked about what should have happened. He already knew he should stay in the bathroom whilst he brushes his teeth. There you go, lesson learned without shouting or shaming or punishment.

Does shouting really matter?

As parents, we all make mistakes. Sometimes, we lose our cool and yell at our kids.

It’s important to remember that this is normal, for us to lose control sometimes, but if this is a regular pattern in your parenting style it’s also important to be aware of the long-term impact.

One of the most serious consequences of yelling at our children is that it can discourage them from coming to us with their problems, or if they make a mistake. When children are yelled at for making mistakes, they learn that it’s not safe to share their problems with their parents.

This can have a devastating impact on the child’s relationship with their parents and on their overall emotional development. Children who don’t feel comfortable coming to their parents with their problems are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. They are also more likely to engage in risky behaviours, such as substance abuse and self-harm

If you want your child to come to you with their problems in later life, it’s important to create a safe and supportive environment. This means avoiding yelling and other forms of harsh discipline or punishment.

It also means being willing to listen to your child without judgment and offering them support and guidance.

What do do instead of shouting

I hear you, it’s not easy. I get it, this kind of calm reaction isn’t easy and doesn’t come naturally. But we are the adult and we should be able to find a way to control our feelings. It does take practice and a conscious choice (and you won’t always get it right!).

Here are some tips for responding to your child’s mistakes in a constructive way:

Take a deep breath and calm down before you say anything. Yelling will only make the situation worse.
Choose to move forward with love.
Look at them for who they are. Really look at them, how little they are still, recognise they are not fully developed, can’t always resist their impulses and don’t have even half the life experience you do.
Talk to your child about the mistake in a calm and respectful tone. Explain why the mistake was wrong and ask them what they could have done differently/do next time.
Reassure your child that you still love and accept them, even if they make mistakes.

If you do end up shouting, the connection between you is temporarily broken, but it can be fixed. Often the repair is as important as the rupture. So if you do end up shouting or handling a situation in a way you’re not proud of, then you can apologise, and try to rebuild the connection.

It’s also important to remember that everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes are a normal part of the learning process. By helping our children to learn from their mistakes in a healthy and constructive way, we can help them to grow and develop into confident and well-adjusted adults.

Remember, if your kid is happy coming to you and saying ‘Mum I just spilt toothpaste on the carpet’ without fear, then it’s more likely that in the future they will feel comfortable saying ‘Mum, my friends are planning something and it doesn’t feel right to me or ‘Mum, something is going on at school and I’m scared’.

Like this and want to know more?

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Many parents are going through the same thing. With the right strategies and support, you can help your little one sleep more peacefully, and you’ll both wake up feeling more rested and ready for the day ahead.

If you’re looking for more support on how to handle toddler sleep challenges, check out the Taming Toddler Sleep Programme , my signature group sleep and parenting programme. I guarantee you’ll get better sleep or I’ll work with you for free until you do!

Together, we can create a sleep routine that works for your family, helping everyone get the rest they deserve.

Hi, I'm Jem

I have always been interested in gentle parenting techniques, and as a self confessed ‘geek’ I spent many a sleepless night reading. I became so interested in infant brain development and the science of sleep that I completed my Holistic Sleep Coaching qualification, mentored by the wonderful Lyndsey Hookway. I have been working as a toddler sleep consultant since 2018, I am based in Manchester but I can work with you from anywhere in the world online!

This coupled with my experience in settling techniques, toddler negotiation strategies and analysis of naps and sleep needs gives me a wealth of knowledge to be able help you.

If you’re looking for help with making changes to your family’s sleeping habits and would like to speak to a toddler sleep consultant who is down to earth and sympathetic and will focus on you and your family with empathy and understanding then please get in touch.

I would love to hear from you!

Jem x

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