Rethinking Separation Anxiety: Why 'Practicing Separation' Might Harm Your Toddler’s Sleep

Rethinking Separation Anxiety: Why 'Practicing Separation' Might Harm Your Toddler’s Sleep

Why Is Bedtime So Hard for My Toddler?

Separation anxiety is one of the most misunderstood challenges of toddlerhood. Manchester parents often notice their 1-3-year-olds clinging, crying, or waking at night, desperate for closeness. Many mainstream sleep approaches suggest “practicing separation” to build independence: leaving without goodbyes, delaying comfort, or enforcing short separations. But what if we’ve got it all backwards? What if “practicing separation” is actually reinforcing the very fear it’s meant to resolve?

Separation Anxiety Isn’t a Behaviour to Fix

According to developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld, separation anxiety is not a sign of weakness or poor sleep habits – it’s a signal that a child’s attachment alarm system has been activated. When toddlers feel disconnected from their caregivers, even briefly, their brains interpret this as a threat to their safety. Their crying, clinging, and protesting aren’t manipulative – they’re deeply adaptive, protective behaviours. In Neufeld’s words, “Before children can let go, they must first feel held onto.”

The Problem with "Practicing Separation"

The idea of gradually increasing a child’s tolerance to being apart often overlooks the core developmental need for connection. When we repeatedly expose a toddler to separation, even in small doses, without addressing their underlying need for secure attachment, we risk amplifying the very insecurity we’re trying to reduce. Strategies like:

  • Leaving while they’re distracted so they “won’t notice”
  • Withholding comfort to “teach them to self-soothe”
  • Creating routines that focus on independence over connection …may seem convenient in the short term, but they can send the message: “When you’re scared or sad, you’re on your own.” This doesn’t build resilience. It builds guardedness.

True Independence Comes From Dependence

Here’s the paradox that many Manchester parents aren’t told: children don’t grow independent despite being dependent – they grow independent because of it. When a toddler knows without a doubt that their caregiver will respond, comfort, and reconnect (even in moments of struggle), they internalise safety. This becomes the foundation for confidence, curiosity, and, eventually, natural separation at bedtime. As Dr. Deborah MacNamara, a protégé of Neufeld, puts it: “Children must be able to rest in the care of their adults before they can play, learn, and grow.”

Jemma Munford, Blissed Out Babies, author of The Better Sleep Blueprint

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So, What Can We Do Instead?

Instead of practicing separation, let’s practice connection to ease bedtime fears:

  • Make Goodbyes Predictable and Loving: Rituals like a special hug or “I’ll be back after your nap” help toddlers orient and trust. At bedtime, try a consistent phrase: “I’m right here in the house.”
  • Acknowledge Their Feelings: “You wish I could stay all night. It’s OK to miss me. I’ll always come back.” Validating emotions reduces nighttime anxiety.
  • Prioritise Reconnection: After nursery, naps, or night wakings, offer a warm cuddle or quick chat before moving on. This reassures your toddler they’re still “held.”
  • Stay Close During Difficult Transitions: If your toddler cries at bedtime, sit with them. Be their anchor. Your presence teaches them separation is survivable because they’re not alone.

The Long Game of Attachment for Sleep

Responsive parenting isn’t about fixing bedtime behaviours quickly. It’s about laying down deep roots of trust that grow into self-confidence, calm bedtimes, and restful 10-14 hours of sleep. In Manchester’s busy urban life, where nursery runs and daily tasks fill your plate, these small moments of connection – before bed or during night wakings – make a big difference.

What the Experts Say

  • Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté (Hold On to Your Kids) emphasize attachment as the root of independence, key for secure sleep.
  • Dr. Deborah MacNamara (Rest, Play, Grow) highlights how resting in adult care enables emotional growth and bedtime ease.
  • Circle of Security International stresses a “safe base” and “secure haven” for toddlers to feel safe during separations.
  • Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges explains how co-regulation through connection calms the nervous system for sleep.

Key Takeaways

Let’s stop teaching toddlers to be alone at bedtime. Let’s show them what it means to be held, seen, and secure, so one day, they can settle confidently, not because they had to, but because they were ready. By prioritising connection over separation, Manchester parents can ease nighttime fears and build trust for better sleep.

Where to next?

Click here to book a free chat with Jem to discuss sleep packages and ensure we are a good fit. There is no obligation and I will only take clients where I genuinely feel I can change their lives.

I have three simple toddler sleep support packages, Read more about them here.

Yes! You can check out my free sleep resources here.

Perfect, in my book The Better Sleep Blueprint I share all my best guides and strategies for sleep up to 2 years of age. Check it out here.

You can also read more of my blogs here.